Everyone is always arguing about the true meaning of Christmas. What they don’t understand is that the dates are all a hoax to distract us from the Flu Season. Think about it. The first victims of the Flu start succumbing near the end of November, the beginning of the supposed holiday season. The worst of it is over by the traditional date of the wise men visiting the Christ-Child. (Not discussing the validity of the event, just the dates chosen for commemoration.) It doesn’t matter how the names and emphasis of the winter holidays have changed, one thing has been consistent. The Flu.
December 25th is more like the most probable date that any given person will get sick. It’s a lot like a pregnancy due date, in that while out of all the days surrounding it, it carries the highest statistical chance of one day of being “the” day, the likelihood of being sick on all the other days combined obscures this fact. The first attempts to deal with this were more solemn festivals, but festivals nonetheless. When half the village is flat on their backs, it’s time to grab a drink. They may not have understood germ theory (not that understanding has helped us all that much), but they knew that something to warm the middle parts helped deal with the aches and pains.
Possibly you ask what my evidence for this is. I have set up a study in the usual way. I determined my conclusion. I then collected random data from volunteers and media reports, and immediately published my conjecture findings. What is important is that I am right. The winter festivities are a thinly veiled attempt to distract us from the death of the sun and the loss of our voices.
As I lay here in my bed between sweats and chills, this all makes perfect sense. When you realize that Christmas is a holiday of the Northern Hemisphere, there can be no doubt. All it took was one winter for the Ancients to realize they didn’t want to go through that again. But since there was nothing they could do about it, they made up games and riddles; and sang songs pretending it was all fun. Their children believed them and only remembered the sparkly things. The sick people could be abandoned in their huts, while everyone else was dancing to stay warm. Or was putting up torches because the dishes still had to be done after dark.
The legends about reindeer are easy to explain. The squirrels in the roof sounded of pitter patter, but were never seen. People assumed the rodents were hibernating, but the critters were really organizing their nuts. They accidentally dropped a few nuts down the chimney, and a person in a fever induced brain fog thought this was gifts from magical creatures.
Of course, any holiday is what you make of it. If you are already over the flu, or haven’t had it yet, certainly celebrate that fact. Just don’t stay up too late; and be careful who you hug. Because this time of year, somewhere it is always the Night Before the Flu.
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